I am thinking

Have you ever, at the end of a workday, stepped into a train, blank out, and then suddenly wonder where you are headed to? Perhaps it happens to some of us once in a blue moon due to fatigue or distractions, I suppose that's fine. As for me, having many such journeys along the east west line, I certainly had such moments, and recently increasing. This left me thinking - Is it short term memory loss, or actually reflective of my current state of life? Embarking on a destination, entering a dark period when things don't turn out as expected, and then start to wonder where it's all heading? The more I dwelled on this, the more I concluded it’s the latter.

At work, I started well, handling & learning many things on a wide job scope. Somewhere along the line, we shifted to a horrid location, had newcomers, reassignment of duties and I'm given let’s just say, a job scope that could be more desirable. Certainly, the learning curve has hit a plateau with increasing clerical functions. For example, while staying late to count tables, chairs and cabinets is tolerable, the last incident of being ordered to buy dustbins for new joiners definitely crossed my threshold. Just when I thought I had been through enough humbling experiences, this one takes the cake. Me measuring my dustbin for comparison of size (and don’t forget colour!) so that I wont buy the wrong dustbin. At that point the urge to apologize to my fahler for sponsoring my costly university education was undeniably strong, and the serious questioning of where I am headed in this role.


In personal aspects, I've got my house and should be happily planning for my future, but to date, nothing has been done. Peers & colleagues my age who already have it all constantly ask when my wedding will be held but they don't realize how awkward it is for me to answer because it’s not within my decision making means. Blame it on the Singaporean culture of securing a house before talking about marriage but it’s too late for regrets too. I'm neither young nor old, single, child-less, car-less and worse, no wedding to plan. My salary barely lasts me through the month. Stuck, that's where I am, in the eyes of some, the worse place to be. Sometimes I feel my insides bleed.


Socially, weekday nights and weekends used to be packed with activities. These days, if I don’t ask anyone out, no one asks me out. I go home everyday, have some dinner, lights out by 11pm. Weekends, after bathing the dog, there isn’t much to do while waiting for the bf to wakeup and pacify his never-ending commitments. It seems I've simply lost the energy to organize activities. Laziness maybe, unmotivated definitely. I wonder what’s going on...

With this blog, I started with high hopes and zest for blogging about anything and everything. I hoped to be successful with readership and fame. I aimed for 2 entries per week. Along the way, I realized that the things people liked reading about entailed bitchiness, flaming and lots of negative tones which I’m not inclined to use anymore. And I have to admit I’ve become increasingly private, hence entries have to be much censored before posting for the WWWorld to see. This is why I don’t blog as frequently as when I first started out and being a blogger trying to be private is quite contradiction to live with. And even as a low profile blogger, I’ve endured comments like “you are so free hor, blog about everything” to “you are so lazy, seldom blog anymore”. Go easy folks, I’m just a fragile little girl…
So what’s next? It’s a challenge I’ll take.

With church, I started by leaving my 5yr long 'home' last year to seek higher spiritual pastures. It's been almost a year and I'm still adjusting to my new place, totally missing the old one, something I never expected would happen. Things at the new place are good, but stirring up conflicts within me such that I’m not yet able to go with the flow very smoothly. Yet again I don't know where I'm headed, but I'll have to wait upon Him and see where His wind blows me next.
I still count my blessings. I know this is all temporary, but how did things up end this way? Why do planned journeys sometimes go sorely wrong? Perhaps it's a wake up call to make things right, or it could be a form of endurance training for better things to come. I wonder if there are others out there going through the same as me? A verse of comfort for us all: “In times of good be joyful, but in times of adversity consider this: God has made one as well as the other, so that no one can discover what the future holds.” Ecclesiates 7:14. He works all things for good, so we just continue walking on! Works for me now.
Well, I will have something to meditate about during my half month's compulsory work break starting next week!!! (The only perk of working in a highly regulated industry). Hope to come out of this rejuvenated and motivated, and have some of my sorrows resolved.